Golf Blog

Hunting down the Loch Ness Monster

In the summer of 2019 I did a pretty extensive search for Bigfoot in the hot springs of Harrison Mills in Canada. Even with comprehensive research and several hot clues, my quest for the historic beast came up empty. So when the fine folks at Ness Walk Hotel in Inverness, Scotland reached out to me, I was beyond excited. It was time to hunt down the world’s most famous aquatic creature, the Loch Ness Monster.

My partner in crime for this adventure was the lovely Bella Angel. Bella hails from London and its easy to see why she is such a big hit on Instagram. She gladly signed up to hunt down the Loch Ness monster with me.

Bella does some lobby modeling in the lobby of Ness Walk.

Bella does some lobby modeling in the lobby of Ness Walk.

The accommodations for the journey were nothing short of spectacular. Ness Walk is a new 5 star luxury hotel tucked down on the banks of the Ness river. The hotel is so brand new that you can even smell it’s newness. The entire experience made us feel like VIP’s as we were shuttled out on our expeditions like A-list celebrities. The first of those expeditions was a trip to Royal Dornoch. Argued by many to be the very best golf course in the UK, my excitement was pee your pants level high. With Bella around, I managed to play it cool and keep my trousers dry.

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The “High Hole” at Royal Dornoch

The “High Hole” at Royal Dornoch

Uphill golf holes are almost always under appreciated. They usually don’t present the views that most people enjoy and aren’t as rewarding distance wise. The 16th hole “High Hole” at Dornoch is an example of an uphill golf hole that should not be overlooked.

The short par 4 5th was one of our favorites

The short par 4 5th was one of our favorites

The par 3 13th hole at Royal Dornoch

The par 3 13th hole at Royal Dornoch

Royal Dornoch has everything that a golfer looks for in a top tier golf course. You have seaside golf holes, challenging par 3’s, a glorious short par 4, and some real testers. The holes are varied, giving the golfer plenty of options and different ways to play each hole. The undulating links land is well taken care of and provides fast and firm playing conditions. I could go on and on about the routing and shot values, but you get the point, It’s golf course heaven at Royal Dornoch.

The bench behind #11 looking back onto #4 green.

The bench behind #11 looking back onto #4 green.

Bella and I decide to play a 1 v 1 match with the loser responsible for dunking their head into the cold dark waters of the River Ness. It was decided that I should give Bella 8 shots, I offered 10 but she refused. She also insisted on playing from the same tees as I did. What a grinder, that Bella. The match had varying degrees of intensity but in the end my birdie on the 15th hole sealed the match.

Boys 1, Girls 0.

Ms Bella is all smiles on the 17th.

Ms Bella is all smiles on the 17th.

After golf, it was time to refuel back at the Ness Walk hotel. Conveniently, the Torrish Bar and Restaurant at the hotel was the perfect location for top notch cuisine. The scallops and cheesecake were rivaled only by the company. Scallops and the company are pictured below.

I caught Bella doing some light reading before dinner.

I caught Bella doing some light reading before dinner.

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The next morning, it was time to get down to some serious business. That business was the business of finding the Loch Ness Monster. It was in 1934 that the original and infamous picture of Nessie surfaced. Since then, only anecdotal accounts of the beast have been recorded. We boarded a boat on the crisp Scottish morning and took off down the Loch Ness. Would Bella and I finally capture definitive proof?

The earliest known documentation of a beast in Loch Ness dates back to 6th century AD when a man was attacked by a “water beast.” The story was documented in the Life of St Columba by Adomnan. However, the legend didn’t really gain steam until the “Surgeon’s photograph” was published in the Daily Mail on April 21st of 1934. Since then, there have been a bevy of sightings and personal accounts. My favorite story was when Apple maps joined the search party in 2014. There are a lot of things that Apple maps is not good at. Go ahead and add identifying the Loch Ness monster to that list.

The infamous “Surgeon’s Photograph”

The infamous “Surgeon’s Photograph”

Apple Maps: “In 500 feet, turn left to find the Loch Ness Monster.”

Apple Maps: “In 500 feet, turn left to find the Loch Ness Monster.”

Unfortunately, the only sighting of Nessie turned out to be a false alarm. I know it looks real, but that picture (below right) is only a statue. The only legitimate photos from the hunting expedition are the glamour shots that you see below. Not even some of the finest modeling in Scotland could rouse old Nessie out of her hiding spot deep below the dark waters of Loch Ness.

Perhaps a Loch Ness Monster winter home?

Perhaps a Loch Ness Monster winter home?

Not the actual Loch Ness Monster.

Not the actual Loch Ness Monster.

Bella puts on her Loch Ness hunting scarf.

Bella puts on her Loch Ness hunting scarf.

I try to lure Nessie out of the sea with lurid male modeling poses.

I try to lure Nessie out of the sea with lurid male modeling poses.

After our failed attempt on the Loch Ness, we needed to put a victory on the board. That victory would come at Nairn Golf Club. It’s almost alway a guaranteed W at Nairn Golf Club. Despite having Shane Bacon as a member, the course is one of the best places to play in Scotland and there is a good chance you haven’t even heard of it. Nairn is one of those ‘hidden gems’ that everyone is always talking about. Personally, I believe that the term ‘hidden gem’ is wildly overused. In this case, it is applicable.

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The long 14th hole, “kopje” plays downhill and difficult. Kopje is of South African origin and means small hill in a generally flat area.

The long 14th hole, “kopje” plays downhill and difficult. Kopje is of South African origin and means small hill in a generally flat area.

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The turn house at Nairn is actually an old bothy where fisherman used to live hundreds of years ago. Directly across from that bothy is the icehouse where the fisherman would keep their catch. Today it has been converted into a golf storage facility. If this doesn’t scream MODEL OFF, what does? Cast your vote below.

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Who modeled the icehouse harder?
The 3rd hole at Nairn Golf Club

The 3rd hole at Nairn Golf Club

Ooooweee. I love grass bunkers.

Ooooweee. I love grass bunkers.

It was a double or nothing match between Bella and I at Nairn. We didn’t really clarify the details but I am pretty sure the wager was a swan dive into the icy waters of the River Ness. I offered 10 shots again but Bella demanded 8. Nice, but I had no plans to show mercy,

After a back and forth front nine, we arrived on the 10th hole and I decided that I was tired of goofing around. it was time to unleash my secret weapon. It was Medterra CBD time. After taking some of the CBD oil sublingually, I proceeded to birdie the next two holes. Sensing that the match was slipping away from her, Bella demanded that she get in on my secret arsenal as well. I obliged her request, but it was too late, I was off and running. By the 15th hole, the match was over.

Boys 2, Girls 0.

Bella catches me with my secret sauce. Medterra CBD.

Bella catches me with my secret sauce. Medterra CBD.

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I know what you are thinking. “Koenig! where can I purchase this secret weapon of yours?” Well, the good news is that readers of pjkoenig.com receive 15% off of their Medterra order. Just use code pkoenig15 at checkout. If you are curious about CBD, you can read my blog post on Medterra or head on over to the Medterra website.

As the #1 CBD brand in golf, Medterra is used by tour pros like Charley Hoffman and Lucas Glover. It is sold in some of the best clubs and retailers around the country. Most importantly, it is third party tested and THC free. As someone who does not do drugs or put mind altering substances into my body, I have no problem with taking CBD.

“Don’t worry, I won’t put this one on the internet.” - Me.

“Don’t worry, I won’t put this one on the internet.” - Me.

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Before we sent Bella back to London, there was the little matter of her birthday. Bella was turning 22 and we needed to celebrate. We headed down to Tesco, bought her a unicorn birthday cake, informed the hotel staff of the situation, and headed out to dinner.

We were dining at the nearby Kingsmills Hotel, which is Ness Walk’s sister hotel. At the conclusion of the dinner, we had 180 Pro Am golfers sing happy birthday to her. She made a weird face and I took a picture.

The real birthday gift was that I I let her out of the River Ness ice cold swan dive bet.